One everlasting night

Poking My Head In

2009-07-24T18:49:51Z

Have you ever heard the phrase: When it rains, it pours? That's how things have been like for me for the past two weeks. I've been through a depression / anxiety patch which is thankfully lifting quickly, just in time for my birthday. When things are like that, it's hard for me to say anything, really. I just want to curl up and forget the world. But I'm mostly myself again. I suppose life will go on as usual.

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All's Quiet

2009-07-09T19:35:43Z

I've been pretty reserved these past couple days but I'm trying to break myself of it. Sometimes I have a mood where I curl into myself and don't want anything to do with the outside world. I don't know if I was feeling this way because of my grandma's death or because things here are awkward or maybe even because I'm really stressing about money right now, but it's starting to let up a little bit now, which is good.

Lots of cute clothes are out there, so lately I've been beginning to shop for my school clothes. Unfortunately, doing so has reminded me of how much weight I've gained over the summer. You know, I try to be body positive and remind myself that I really don't look that bad, but something inside of my clenches in frustration whenever I have to upgrade from a 4 to a 6. I know that doesn't sound like much, but when you're 5'3'' you have a smaller frame to work with and mine has become uncomfortably...rotund. I've started a diet and exercise regime which I have no idea if it'll work. Pros: Been to the Y twice in 3 days; cons: ate a gigantic brownie last night. We'll see.

Put a bunch of stuff up on Ebay last night which I'm hoping and praying (even as an agnostic, LOL) will sell. It would help me out so much if it does. I hate being pinchy about money - I feel like such a greedy, grasping asshat. I hate being dependent on my parents for everything. I hate knowing that my money problems aren't really that serious at all and are due more to my compulsive spending habits than any real need. And, of course, I hate knowing that this all comes down to not having a job.

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Who's That Fabulous Creature?

2009-07-06T01:04:59Z

Me, sunburned and kinda out of it, with Stephen Colbert at the National Museum of American History in DC.

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The Funeral

2009-07-03T01:20:08Z

We got back from Cleveland yesterday at 3 in the afternoon. After a week of hectic vacationing and two official days of mourning, it's good to be home. When I think back over everything that's happened this week, it feels surreal, almost dreamlike. It's hard for me register that my grandmother's gone.

She was always the one person you could count on to be at a family event, cheerful and ready to talk about anything. Even though we had different political ideologies, she taught me to believe in things strongly and not to be afraid to speak my mind. Although it's a terrible cliche, she really did live her life to the fullest - she was content with the simplest aspects of life, without that restless yearning for more that I'm cursed with. I developed an interest in some of my favorite things - reading, history, costume, classical music, etc. because of her and her ever present drive to learn more about the past. She was such a strong presence in my life and I would not be the same person I am today without her guidance.

My aunt did most of the funeral arranging, as she lives in Cleveland, where Grandma died. She set up a nice viewing, the mass (which was very uncomfortable but I'm sure my grandmother would have been pleased by it), and a church luncheon. I tip my hat to her - it can't be easy to plan your mother's funeral. The whole time though, I felt like I was going through the motions of grief. Her loss hasn't really hit me yet. I haven't cried or cursed anyone divine, or done any stuff like that. I've just thought a lot about death and what it means. The only conclusion I've reached is that I want to live my life with her spirit, and if I manage to do so, death will not frighten me.

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Quick Update

2009-06-26T00:47:07Z

Since I've been AWOL for the last couple of days, I feel like I should mention everything that's going on right now. I'm currently sitting in the Wi Fi lounge of a Marriott Residence Inn in Washington DC, checking up on all of the craziness that's happened today, from the Sanford scandal to all the celebrity deaths that have been happening for the past couple of days. We've been in D.C. since Monday, visiting the sites and eating delicious food (just got back from Central Michel Richard, where I had *the* most delicious banana split).

Unfortunately, it hasn't been a great vacation so far. Every day our plans change, my parents bicker, and I get more sunburned. Yesterday, while on the way to Union Station to catch a trolley, we heard from one my aunts that my paternal grandma died that morning. I'm still in the disbelief stage right now, so I don't when it's going to sink in that she's actually gone. We decided to go ahead with our vacation, since my dad's relatives were going to gather anyway around the 4th of July before Grandma died, but this means that as soon as we get home we'll have to hustle over to Cleveland for the service.

I'm a little burnt out right now. Aside from stress of traveling and the family emergency, my OCD is acting up and my feet are killing me. The rest of my family went to some museums today, but I stayed in the hotel to eat stale cereal and sleep. Let me tell you, it felt good.

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Twisted

2009-06-21T02:08:25Z

I dunno, this might be old meme, but I was watching Youtube videos of tornadoes last night (don't ask!) and found this. Too cool!

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Cooking Diary: Oh, Fishsticks

2009-06-19T02:32:57Z

I'm not dead, I swear! I feel like I've been running around all week, so that doesn't leave a lot of time to posts on Dreamwidth. I've also been doing a lot of cooking this week and have some pictures to show for it.

( Pics, pics, pics )( Pics, pics, pics )

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We're All Gonna Die

2009-06-12T01:30:54Z

Over the course of the evening, it's gotten creepier and creepier outside. First it was ho-hum cloudy, then the sky turned yellow (uh oh), then blood red (!), and now it's almost completely dark due to storm clouds. I admit, I'm a weather freak, and every time we get some unusual meteorological phenomenon I get excited, but even my weird, Twister-lovin' self is worried. So now I'm hiding in my room, but before I retreated, I just had to go outside and get some pictures. It's really scary out - you can hear grumbling in the distance and there's an oddly calm wind. Gah!

( D: )

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New Hair Cut!

2009-06-10T01:37:01Z

I went to the salon today to get my dye job replenished and my hair cut. Ostensibly, it was only supposed to be a trim, but I feel like I've been carrying around a lot of sadness with my ultra long hair, and as silly as it seems, I thought a hair cut would liberate me a little from that. I think it did it's job - I already feel a lot freer and more confident. The only nitpick I have with it is that it's basically Kathy Griffin hair, which I only realized when I was playing around in the mirror afterwords. That's okay, though. Kathy's fierce. I'll rock it.

( Pics after the cut )

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On Kathy Griffin And Other Matters

2009-06-09T04:55:51Z

Okay, so after a month of breathless anticipation, I plunked down at 10:00 to watch the season premiere of My Life on the D-List and now I have one question: was it just me, or was Bette Midler really frickin' rude to Kathy? I mean, I know KG can probably grate a little on people, but she was so obnoxiously imperious throughout the whole show that I couldn't help wondering why she agreed to be on in the first place. Apparently BM exchanged her appearance on the show for Kathy's emcee services, so she obviously knows what KG's like. I gotta say, I felt so bad for Kathy when she went to congratulate BM and the first thing out of the singer's mouth was that she didn't approve of her onstage joke. Hello? That's what Kathy's best at - scandalizing middle-aged people!

Anyway, today was a nice, well-rounded day. I got up, did a little bit of cleaning, tried to buy 212 from Sephora but couldn't because the site was down, traveled to Yellow Springs with Dad and my brother in order to see the therapist (hereby known as Dr. Funke) again, got lunch at skeevy Subway, had strange session at therapist's which involved yelling angrily at stuffed animals, came back home to pick up Mom, finally ordered 212, went to awesome Japanese place for dinner, ordered bibimbap but couldn't eat it because I wasn't sure if the brown curly things were a type of vegetable or animal intestine, came home to watch Kathy Griffin, then Conan, and am now writing this. Well done, self.

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Hooray!

2009-06-08T03:35:59Z

Please, please, please let this be true!

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"Iceberg, Right Ahead!"

2009-06-07T01:28:57Z

I'm so ashamed. I was about to pack up and go to bed early, but I happened to see that Titanic would be on TBS tonight. Of course, I have to watch it, despite seeing it 80 bajillion times already. Well, at least the second half. When my cousins and I would spend the night at my grandmother's house, we were only allowed to watch the last hour and a half. Apparently watching an hour's worth of hundreds of people dying horrifically is better than five minutes of nudity and simulated sex. Anyway, I know it's wrong, but I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving Titanic. Despite the crappy dialogue, plot implausibilities, and Leonardo Dicaprio's man-boy face, it has such an epicness that makes it addictive. I love it when movies aim big and succeed. It's truly amazing that such movies are possible when you consider the amount of work and coordination that goes into making them. It gives me the hope that I'll live to see an amazing movie adaptation of an ancient epic.

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You Know What They Say About Unhappy Families

2009-06-06T03:42:38Z

It's been a hectic week, rife with plenty of family DRAMA. I'm kind of exhausted, to be honest, which is why I haven't been able to post about it until now. As background info, I should mention that there are two great crises in our lives at the moment, both concerning old ladies: one is the declining health and mental faculties of my paternal grandmother, the other is the issue of moving my maternal grandmother out of her house and into a nursing home.

( Probably not interesting to anyone but me... )

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Journey To Yellow Springs

2009-05-30T02:25:50Z

Today was my first appointment with my therapist for the summer, so Mom and I trekked over to Yellow Springs for the afternoon. I haven't been there since Junior Year of high school (I think?) so it was nice to come back and see that nothing much had changed. Luckily, it was a gorgeous day today, so before my appointment we wandered around, popping into Dark Star Books (Geek-gasm!), Jennifer's Touch (a tiny jewelery store with gorgeous wares), and The Winds Cafe for lunch. It was a really nice little trip and I ended up liking my new therapist, Dr. B, although he does remind me a little too much of Tobias Funke.

I'm still slogging through Doctor Faustus, which is quite frustrating. You would think a book about a man selling his soul to the devil would be hella entertaining, but there are so many long-winded digressions that when you finally find a nugget of interesting ideas, you're too beaten down to care. Normally I would have given up already, but for some reason I feel like doing so would be a big failure on my part. Like, if I put it down for good, I would be acknowledging that I'm not smart enough to read it. So now I have this weird ego thing going on where I have to prove myself to Thomas Mann (even though he's dead) when I could be reading Sandman or something less leaden. Self, why do you do things like this?

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Half-Assed Cooking Diary: Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes

2009-05-27T16:46:33Z

Monday was Memorial Day, and for my family Memorial Day = awkward cook out. I frickin' love cook outs. I love the drama of choosing between a hamburger and a hot dog. I love planning which salads (out of the 20 billion varieties that abound in the Midwest) are going to be made. I love that there is a very big chance that flavored lemonade is available. So, yeah, I'm a cook out fiend. I really want to learn how to grill this summer so when the time comes for me to host my own cook out, I will be so ready. Since I can't grill yet, I couldn't contribute any meat, so I decided to do dessert. Because this was actually a holiday, I decided to aim big, and so I spent most of the day making Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes.

( CUPCAKES! )

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Cooking Diary: An Anglophile's Supper

2009-05-21T01:43:35Z

So there I was, my hands all gritty with cornmeal, making biscuits, when all of a sudden a lady from Von Maur, one of the stores I applied to, called. OMG! She sounded really interested in me...until I said that I was only looking to work during the summer. Apparently they don't hire temp workers. I was pretty crushed, so my dinner ended up missing that certain zing that comes from being fully engaged in the cooking of it. I was pretty sad, and so I was a bit sloppy. Overall, it wasn't bad but it could have been better. This is going to bug me for a while, I can tell.

Anyway, my menu evolved partially as a private joke - it's very loosely based on the concept of an English dinner, as shepherd's pie is the main attraction, but it's heavily Ameicanized. I got a little smirk out of literally making pudding to end things, because it's another word for "dessert" in England, but I didn't want to be too over-the-top themey.

( Images, Ahoy! )( Images, Ahoy! )( Images, Ahoy! )

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Busy Little Bee

2009-05-20T02:31:29Z

I've had an action packed day today: got a rare manicure-pedicure, took a shitty swatch of my new polish, read news and was horrified by PCP guy (srsly, WTF?), went to the grocery store to get ingredients for tomorrow's dinner, and made vanilla pudding. (Which was not from a box, thank you very much. I did the egg and cornstarch thing. Pics forecoming.) Now I'm going to chill and read more of Doctor Faustus.

I've been keeping up with my goal of reading a shit ton this summer. I finished Manhunt by James L. Swanson a couple days ago, which I thought was generally entertaining if somwhat judgy. I don't like it when my history books preach at me, as when they do it makes me feel like I'm being forced to agree with the author(s) and that usually makes me angy. Manhunt presented a disturbingly romanticized picture of Booth and the people who helped him, which felt really icky to me. Others might feel differently.

After Manhunt I began Doctor Faustus, one of those monumental books which people feel like they should read but usualy don't want to read. Well, I held my breath, dove in, and was surprised by how much it engaged me from the first page. I'm still at the begining, but already I'm getting that tingly feeling that tells me a piece of literature is gonna rock my socks. In particular, I really liked the following passage, which talks about a certain mood present in Kaisersaschern in the early 20th century:

"But there hung in the air something of the state of the human heart during the last decades of the fifteenth century, a hysteria out of the dying Middle Ages, something of a latent psychological epidemic -- a strange thing to say about a sensibly practical, modern town. But it was not modern, it was old, and age is the past as the present, a past only veneered with the present; and this may sound bold, but one could imagine a Children's Crusade suddenly errupting there -- a Saint Vitus' dance, some utopian communistic lunatic preaching a bonfire of vanities, miracles, and visions of the Cross, and roving masses of mystic enthusiasts. That did not occur, of course -- how could it have?...Our own times are secretly inclined -- or, rather, anything but secretly, very purposefully in fact, with a particularly smug sense of purpose that leaves one doubting life's genuineness and simplicity and produces perhaps a very ill-fated historicity -- our times are inclined, I say, to return to such epochs and enthusiastically repeat symbolic actions that have something sinister about them, that strike in the face of modern understanding..."

Yes, yes, I know, TL;DR. But what's frightening about this is that he's talking about Nazi Germany and yet there is something very much like this "smug sense of purpose" present in American right now. Anti-intellectualism, anti-thought, anti-anything that makes people question themselves and their beliefs. It all makes me sick. Thanks, Doctor Faustus, for articulating why.

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Big Spender

2009-05-16T21:14:13Z

Today has been spent trolling around Dayton and dropping off applications. I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. Before going into a store to hand off an app, I always coach myself to sound confident and not intimidated. And then as soon as I get to someone who can take it, my voice drops and I get all mumbly, almost apologetic. It's like I want to assure them I'm not clueless, I know the job situation is tough right now, I'm not expecting a miracle. But I'm just undermining myself. Ugh!

Despite failing so far on the job front, I did get some good stuff today: Nigella Lawson's How To Eat, 2 pairs of capris, a gauzy blouse, a knit tee, a loose white cardigan, and a pair of earrings shaped like lightning bolts. There's something about being home that makes me a huge clothes horse. I think it's because I have a lot of extra time to piss away on planning outfits and getting ready. And I watch too much Sex and the City. Now I just need to find a place to go so I can wear this stuff.

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Cooking Diary: Easy Italian

2009-05-13T23:13:42Z

Tonight was my first night to cook, and I think everything turned out really well. There were no disasters in the kitchen, the food turned out as described and tasted good, and I gained some cooking confidence that will serve me well. I documented everything, so you can see what I was up to.

( Very image intensive! )

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Librarything

2009-05-13T03:18:05Z

I just renewed my Librarything account after a long absence and am in the process of updating my account with all of books I've acquired in the past year. Is anyone else on the site?

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Live Long And Prosper

2009-05-11T17:38:11Z

My mother is a huge Star Trek fan, and since she has put up with all the geeky movies I've dragged her to over the years, I thought it was only fair to accompany her to the Star Trek movie on Mother's Day. I was pretty worried going into it, since I'm not a big sci-fi person (my tastes definitely lean more towards fantasy) and the only things I know about Star Trek come from the fragmented info I have gleamed about it from Futurama. But you know what? I actually the movie was pretty cool, in the same slick, popcorn movie type way Ironman charmed a lot of people last year. I was able to follow along fairly well, despite the fact that time travel always makes my head hurt. I could also tell that the actors were doing a great job fitting into their iconic roles, while still being fresh and entertaining. And, to sound really lame, I thought the score was fabulous. It's pretty rare for a movie nowadays to have a big, resounding brass score, and this one fit the "looking back to the past but geared towards the present" vibe this movie had going for it perfectly.

Today I'm doing lots of little things. I'm starting to work on a TBA creative project that is probably going to make me tear my hair out in about two weeks, but I'm feeling a creative drive that I haven't felt in a long time, so right now I'm in writer heaven. I'm also preparing the menu I'm going to attempt on Wednesday. Since I'm such a shitty cook, I'm going to do an "easy Italian" meal with lasagna, salad with homemade garlic dressing, and brownie sundaes. Yum!

It's only 1:30 and I'm already tired out, so I think a nap might be necessary soon. I haven't had a lot of downtime since being home, so I'm glad to have today to re-charge my batteries. For the next few days, things are going to be mighty busy.

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This Be Gluttony

2009-05-10T01:38:15Z

Well, after another year of academic toil, here I am, sitting in my favorite armchair, reflecting on my first day at home. To cut to the chase, I'm really frickin' stuffed. Yesterday, to celebrate having moved me out of my room successfully, my parents and I stopped at Easton to eat at Mitchell's Ocean Club, which is one of my favorite restaurants. It's a steakhouse with all the traditional trimmings (wedge salads, separate sides, bearnaise sauce, etc.) and an old-school vibe that I think is really cool. The decor has your typical wood paneling and white table cloths, but there are some retro-futuristic (think Jetsons) touches all over the place that give it an extra zing. I love everything about the place, from the bar-mixed lemonade they serve with fresh OJ to the corn dotted with jalapeno. Of course I had to indulge - it was the end of the semester! Except...

...I forgot we were going to Fleming's, an upscale steakhouse chain tonight to celebrate Mother's Day with my mother and grandmother. Uh oh! My motto in life is that you only live once, so I repeated last night's orgy of meat and blue cheese, only this time chocolate lava cake joined the party. I don't think I've ever been this full before. My center of gravity shifted because I ate so much, so I kept teetering back and forth while walking to the car.

I know this extreme face-stuffing isn't exactly something to be proud of, so I'm happy to say I did start making overtures on the job front today. I stopped in at Sephora and got an application, while sending my dad to Books & Co. to scout out the job situation. I also went to Ulta this morning to talk to someone about the application I filled out a few days ago, but from the looks of the store, they're circling the drain, so I decided to move on. Last year, I was dragging my feet about finding work, but this year, I really am going to try my best to get a job. Quite simply, I want money. I'm crossing my fingers, hoping something will crop up.

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IL All Maria Bamfords

2009-05-08T15:29:55Z

I was browsing The Onion's A.V. Club website, hunting for something to read, and came across an interview with the hysterical Maria Bamford, in which she discusses dealing with OCD. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, and have had a mixed experience dealing with the implications of it. On the one hand, I'm glad to have something to point to which explains why my mind is so fuckin' weird. On the other, like a lot of mental illnessess, I don't think OCD is really understood by a lot of people. It is so much more than germophobia, which is what I thought until I was diagnosed. Not to mention, it was kind of hard to acknowledge that something was wrong with the way my brain works.

Anyway, if you haven't experienced how awesome her comedy is, check these little numbers out:

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Summer Plans

2009-05-06T23:36:03Z

Tomorrow is my last day at school, so I've spend most of my day reflecting on this year and what I'm going to do over the summer. Most of my high school friends aren't going to be in town, so I will be almost on my own. I'm really bummed about this, but it's also inspiring me to actually be productive and get stuff done for once. Last summer, all I did was work at Staples and water my mom's flowers. Thus, I have come up with four main goals to accomplish from May to August:

1) Get a job / get an internship / go to summer school: I really really really would like to do something cosmetics related to make monies, but since the economy is in the toilet now, I'll take anything I can get. If I can't get a job, I might try for an internship at the Dayton Art Institute. And if that doesn't happen, I need to learn Italian if I want to study abroad in the spring, so I could always do it over the summer.

2) Learn to cook: I feel like such a poseur; I love to read about food, look at cookbooks, watch cooking shows, go out to eat, and stuff my face. But I can't actually cook anything outside of fruit salad and instant rice. This summer, so help me, I will learn to how make a basic chicken dish if it kills me.

3) Be active / lose weight: I'm aiming for about 10 pounds off what I am now. I'm not really overweight, but I'm rounder than I would like to be. I also am pretty frickin' lazy, so I need to actually get up off the couch and do stuff. Aiming for hitting the Y at least twice a week. I would also like to eat better - less fast food and candy, more veggies and grains.

4) Reading at least 20 books: I have a huge library of stuff that I haven't read because I'm always busy with books for my English classes. Reading for fun is a huge luxury and one that I intend to take full advantage of this summer.

I know it seems like a lot, but I think the key here is momentum. If I can start with some of these things and keep them up, I think I actually have a chance of achieving what I want to. I always seem to make grandiose plans for my summers, but I really think I have a shot at doing some of this stuff this time.

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This Broke My Heart

2009-05-05T19:03:20Z

"I would never hurt her. I would got to end of the earth for her. But because I feel so strongly about opposed to this bill, blame it on my upbringing or the good book. … I can't change how I feel … But because of who I am and where I am and as a member of this legislative body, ethically it is my duty and responsibility to publicly say to my daughter that I do not support [gay marriage]." --- Rep. Sheryl Briggs of Maine

Found via ontd_political, here.

How can this woman sleep at night?

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