I've been pretty reserved these past couple days but I'm trying to break myself of it. Sometimes I have a mood where I curl into myself and don't want anything to do with the outside world. I don't know if I was feeling this way because of my grandma's death or because things here are awkward or maybe even because I'm really stressing about money right now, but it's starting to let up a little bit now, which is good.

Lots of cute clothes are out there, so lately I've been beginning to shop for my school clothes. Unfortunately, doing so has reminded me of how much weight I've gained over the summer. You know, I try to be body positive and remind myself that I really don't look that bad, but something inside of my clenches in frustration whenever I have to upgrade from a 4 to a 6. I know that doesn't sound like much, but when you're 5'3'' you have a smaller frame to work with and mine has become uncomfortably...rotund. I've started a diet and exercise regime which I have no idea if it'll work. Pros: Been to the Y twice in 3 days; cons: ate a gigantic brownie last night. We'll see.

Put a bunch of stuff up on Ebay last night which I'm hoping and praying (even as an agnostic, LOL) will sell. It would help me out so much if it does. I hate being pinchy about money - I feel like such a greedy, grasping asshat. I hate being dependent on my parents for everything. I hate knowing that my money problems aren't really that serious at all and are due more to my compulsive spending habits than any real need. And, of course, I hate knowing that this all comes down to not having a job.

Mood annoyed Tags: clothes, life at home, that's depressing

Today has been spent trolling around Dayton and dropping off applications. I'm starting to get really frustrated with myself. Before going into a store to hand off an app, I always coach myself to sound confident and not intimidated. And then as soon as I get to someone who can take it, my voice drops and I get all mumbly, almost apologetic. It's like I want to assure them I'm not clueless, I know the job situation is tough right now, I'm not expecting a miracle. But I'm just undermining myself. Ugh! 

Despite failing so far on the job front, I did get some good stuff today: Nigella Lawson's How To Eat, 2 pairs of capris, a gauzy blouse, a knit tee, a loose white cardigan, and a pair of earrings shaped like lightning bolts. There's something about being home that makes me a huge clothes horse. I think it's because I have a lot of extra time to piss away on planning outfits and getting ready. And I watch too much Sex and the City. Now I just need to find a place to go so I can wear this stuff.

Mood tired Music Money - Alan Cumming Tags: clothes, life at home, shopping, work?