Have you ever heard the phrase: When it rains, it pours? That's how things have been like for me for the past two weeks. I've been through a depression / anxiety patch which is thankfully lifting quickly, just in time for my birthday. When things are like that, it's hard for me to say anything, really. I just want to curl up and forget the world. But I'm mostly myself again. I suppose life will go on as usual.

Mood full Music Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac Tags: life at home, mental health stuff

I've been pretty reserved these past couple days but I'm trying to break myself of it. Sometimes I have a mood where I curl into myself and don't want anything to do with the outside world. I don't know if I was feeling this way because of my grandma's death or because things here are awkward or maybe even because I'm really stressing about money right now, but it's starting to let up a little bit now, which is good.

Lots of cute clothes are out there, so lately I've been beginning to shop for my school clothes. Unfortunately, doing so has reminded me of how much weight I've gained over the summer. You know, I try to be body positive and remind myself that I really don't look that bad, but something inside of my clenches in frustration whenever I have to upgrade from a 4 to a 6. I know that doesn't sound like much, but when you're 5'3'' you have a smaller frame to work with and mine has become uncomfortably...rotund. I've started a diet and exercise regime which I have no idea if it'll work. Pros: Been to the Y twice in 3 days; cons: ate a gigantic brownie last night. We'll see.

Put a bunch of stuff up on Ebay last night which I'm hoping and praying (even as an agnostic, LOL) will sell. It would help me out so much if it does. I hate being pinchy about money - I feel like such a greedy, grasping asshat. I hate being dependent on my parents for everything. I hate knowing that my money problems aren't really that serious at all and are due more to my compulsive spending habits than any real need. And, of course, I hate knowing that this all comes down to not having a job.

Mood annoyed Tags: clothes, life at home, that's depressing

Me, sunburned and kinda out of it, with Stephen Colbert at the National Museum of American History in DC.

Mood sleepy Music ANTM Season 7, in the background Tags: pictures

We got back from Cleveland yesterday at 3 in the afternoon. After a week of hectic vacationing and two official days of mourning, it's good to be home. When I think back over everything that's happened this week, it feels surreal, almost dreamlike. It's hard for me register that my grandmother's gone.

She was always the one person you could count on to be at a family event, cheerful and ready to talk about anything. Even though we had different political ideologies, she taught me to believe in things strongly and not to be afraid to speak my mind. Although it's a terrible cliche, she really did live her life to the fullest - she was content with the simplest aspects of life, without that restless yearning for more that I'm cursed with. I developed an interest in some of my favorite things - reading, history, costume, classical  music, etc. because of her and her ever present drive to learn more about the past. She was such a strong presence in my life and I would not be the same person I am today without her guidance.

My aunt did most of the funeral arranging, as she lives in Cleveland, where Grandma died. She set up a nice viewing, the mass (which was very uncomfortable but I'm sure my grandmother would have been pleased by it), and a church luncheon. I tip my hat to her - it can't be easy to plan your mother's funeral. The whole time though, I felt like I was going through the motions of grief. Her loss hasn't really hit me yet. I haven't cried or cursed anyone divine, or done any stuff like that. I've just thought a lot about death and what it means. The  only conclusion I've reached is that I want to live my life with her spirit, and if I manage to do so, death will not frighten me.

Mood thoughtful Tags: family stuff, life at home

Since I've been AWOL for the last couple of days, I feel like I should mention everything that's going on right now. I'm currently sitting in the Wi Fi lounge of a Marriott Residence Inn in Washington DC, checking up on all of the craziness that's happened today, from the Sanford scandal to all the celebrity deaths that have been happening for the past couple of days. We've been in D.C. since Monday, visiting the sites and eating delicious food (just got back from Central Michel Richard, where I had *the* most delicious banana split).

Unfortunately, it hasn't been a great vacation so far. Every day our plans change, my parents bicker, and I get more sunburned. Yesterday, while on the way to Union Station to catch a trolley, we heard from one my aunts that my paternal grandma died that morning. I'm still in the disbelief stage right now, so I don't when it's going to sink in that she's actually gone. We decided to go ahead with our vacation, since my dad's relatives were going to gather anyway around the 4th of July before Grandma died, but this means that as soon as we get home we'll have to hustle over to Cleveland for the service.

I'm a little burnt out right now. Aside from stress of traveling and the family emergency, my OCD is acting up and my feet are killing me. The rest of my family went to some museums today, but I stayed in the hotel to eat stale cereal and sleep. Let me tell you, it felt good.

Mood sad Tags: family stuff, life at home, that's depressing

I dunno, this might be old meme, but I was watching Youtube videos of tornadoes last night (don't ask!) and found this. Too cool! 

Mood morose Tags: cool beans, videos

I'm not dead, I swear! I feel like I've been running around all week, so that doesn't leave a lot of time to posts on Dreamwidth. I've also been doing a lot of cooking this week and have some pictures to show for it.

( Pics, pics, pics )

Mood drained Music The Fashion Show, in the background Tags: cooking diaries, food, pictures

Over the course of the evening, it's gotten creepier and creepier outside. First it was ho-hum cloudy, then the sky turned yellow (uh oh), then blood red (!), and now it's almost completely dark due to storm clouds. I admit, I'm a weather freak, and every time we get some unusual meteorological phenomenon I get excited, but even my weird, Twister-lovin' self is worried. So now I'm hiding in my room, but before I retreated, I just had to go outside and get some pictures. It's really scary out - you can hear grumbling in the distance and there's an oddly calm wind. Gah!

 ( D: )

Mood distressed Tags: life at home, pictures

I went to the salon today to get my dye job replenished and my hair cut. Ostensibly, it was only supposed to be a trim, but I feel like I've been carrying around a lot of sadness with my ultra long hair, and as silly as it seems, I thought a hair cut would liberate me a little from that. I think it did it's job - I already feel a lot freer and more confident. The only nitpick I have with it is that it's basically Kathy Griffin hair, which I only realized when I was playing around in the mirror afterwords. That's okay, though. Kathy's fierce. I'll rock it.

( Pics after the cut )

Mood happy Tags: life at home, pictures

Okay, so after a month of breathless anticipation, I plunked down at 10:00 to watch the season premiere of My Life on the D-List and now I have one question: was it just me, or was Bette Midler really frickin' rude to Kathy? I mean, I know KG can probably grate a little on people, but she was so obnoxiously imperious throughout the whole show that I couldn't help wondering why she agreed to be on in the first place. Apparently BM exchanged her appearance on the show for Kathy's emcee services, so she obviously knows what KG's like. I gotta say, I felt so bad for Kathy when she went to congratulate BM and the first thing out of the singer's mouth was that she didn't approve of her onstage joke. Hello? That's what Kathy's best at - scandalizing middle-aged people!

Anyway, today was a nice, well-rounded day. I got up, did a little bit of cleaning, tried to buy 212 from Sephora but couldn't because the site was down, traveled to Yellow Springs with Dad and my brother in order to see the therapist (hereby known as Dr. Funke) again, got lunch at skeevy Subway, had strange session at therapist's which involved yelling angrily at stuffed animals, came back home to pick up Mom, finally ordered 212, went to awesome Japanese place for dinner, ordered bibimbap but couldn't eat it because I wasn't sure if the brown curly things were a type of vegetable or animal intestine, came home to watch Kathy Griffin, then Conan, and am now writing this. Well done, self.

Mood relaxed Tags: food, life at home, mental health stuff, shopping, television